Open thoughts to Mom on her birthday…

Grief-Web-Pic

(disclaimer – this might be hard for some of you to read that were close to mom)

I miss you

Why aren’t you here

Why did you leave – what was so unbearable that choosing to leave us was the best option

Why weren’t you ever honest with us

I thought I was the only one you opened up to but turns out no one was…now we’re left with just your only close family piecing bits together to make sense of this all

I’ll never forget Debby, Angie, Walt, Tommy walking into the house

I’ll never forget walking in and sitting on dad’s lap like I did when I was a little girl – I’ll never forget watching you being rolled out of the house on the stretcher and that dark, black bag.

I’ll never forget Dad looking for his slippers in his room the first night and being mad he didn’t think to pack them

I’ll never forget Dad and I staring at the breakfast menu for what seemed like an hour because we couldn’t fathom something as simple as breakfast after what had happened

I’ll never forget begging Howard to get on a flight here

I’ll never forget Dad determined to “get in there” (to their bedroom) and “start cleaning up after Jerry is done” (jerry town cleaned the room himself the next day….i can’t ‘imagine what that must have been like)

I’ll never forget no one wanting to go into the room initially with dad

I’ll never forget my family there going in and being with me helping dad clean off the blood that was missed

I’ll never forget the furtive apologetic looks I would glance at the ceiling above where she died and then back at my relative that entered the room wanting to say over and over I’m sorry naturally…

I’ll never forget Jenn and I grabbing things to clean blood off before dad saw them

I’ll never forget the shock – the haunting scream – how time stopped utterly – how I instantly thought of where I was when she did it because I knew exactly what she had done because of the day and how long I had spent with her before on her prior attempts – she made sure there was no way out

I’ll never forget running up the stairs screaming to Sean who was asleep about what happened – I’ll never forget Sean screaming and then throwing up…

I’ll never forget the kindness of Jamie and Paige coming to get me to take me to Dad’s because he was worried about me driving in such a state from Galveston to Houston…

I’ll never forget me and Aunt Nancy seeing her casket in perfect 60’s avocado green and going ….”that’s perfect”

I’ll never forget the way she said “helllooooooo” after you said “hello hello hello” on the answering machine at the house – yes they still kept one and then she’d pick up so telemarketers didn’t pester her

I’ll never forget how happy she was all the time at Christmas and the 4th of July – her favorite music seasons – I’ll never forget how music moved mom and made her genuinely smile and lose herself

I’ll never forget how fiercely mom protected my brother and I from the world….something I used to fault her on, but now I am grateful for it

I’ll never forget how she stomped her feet when she was joking …. Usually becs my father cracked a joke about her height – me, Howard and him were the only ones allowed to joke about it in her mind – otherwise, no matter what she said, her feeling were hurt and she talked about it at home…usually to me…sorry

I’ll never forget how it feels to still have you here – something I’m terrified of losing, the sound of your voice, the smell of your perfume

I’ll never forget cursing at you that you left, the main, main year I needed you and your crazy insane focused love when I got sick

I’ll never forget every time I go into the hospital and don’t know if I’m leaving and I picture you there and wonder how you would chose to sleep in my room because I know you would not leave – yet you chose to leave – so how much worse must have what you were going through have been compared to the little pain physical pain I’ve experienced…

I’ll never forget how at least, at least, multiple times a week I forget you aren’t here….even now

I have no idea how I am going to face my life going forward without you

I’ll never forget how I stared with a purpose while your coffin was lowered….i refused to let myself look away…like you were still there, yet you were there, I know that now – you never leave me.

                “you – you alone will have the stars as no one else has them…In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing.  And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you can look at the sky at night..You – only you – will have stars that can laugh.”  – El Principito

I miss you mom…

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