So I’ve had inquiries about my near death experiences while in ICU at Methodist. This is a hard one to write, and one I may not illustrate…. illustrating things make things much more real than we are ready for. (Most illustrations by the talented Lucia Stewart <3)
So to begin this Sean and my dad were utterly alone during this…they were the ones that got the calls in the middle of the night I may not make it. Trust me when you call and check on a loved one in ICU and your doctor answers you with either “every time we put her under or keep her asleep (medically induced coma) we have no idea how she’ll wake up” or “she’s…um….ok….she’s not great, but we’re keeping an eye on her constantly.”
This happened a few times while I was at Methodist. I’ve talked a few time about me laying there imagining mom sitting there being there for me like we all know she would have…hallucinated talks we may have had when I needed her. Yep, didn’t happen. Unfortunately I have no amazing sparkly stories about a white light or someone comforting me. I have distinct memories every day whispering, “God please have mercy on me”….a total misinterpretation of the theology behind atonement, but that’s a story for another time. I saw no white light. I went to sleep and had no idea what was going on. Maybe it wasn’t my time? My trach surgery was a do or die scenario in the middle of the night and I was in a medically induced coma….so yea no memory…I just woke up and couldn’t freaking speak. And my one time I got an infection from someone in the ICU I remember Sean and his dad were in the room…I think Sean’s dad had brought me a stuffed puppy. And a nurse came in and said you’re spiking a fever…at this point I had my heart cath well put in so they knew my temperature constantly. Then several days later I woke up under an ice blanket with multiple people explaining I had 105+ fever 160+ BMP HR wise…and it was days later….all I cared about was how warm the ice blanket felt and went back to sleep.
So yea I don’t know how you guys want to judge that….but sadly that was my near death experience. There was nothing. I’m not really sure what to say regarding this. Many people can read into this however they want depending on their belief. I’ve imagined mom every moment that she was there sitting there when I wake up. So sorry to let everyone down…at least for me, that’s what happened. I guess a good point to take away from this – for some reason I never felt alone and i always felt ok/comfortable and safe. So maybe that’s really what happens, not some amazing blown out of proportions story about white lights and clouds etc….just a warmth that was around me for no reason in particular that I was safe. I felt that always.