Friday (F)Philosophy….ish….that phrase just makes me think of filo dough…so let’s just wrap my brain in filo dough (bake at 375 for 25 min) for this one as I hash out where to go next…

surreal-watercolor-paintings-stephanie-pui-mun-5-2.jpg

Today  I am overwhelmed and in awe of those greater than I…which for this perfect illustration for today is via @smplaw (Stephanie Law…she’s a badass).  And today’s a not so illustrated by writter so brace yourselves….

   I find myself at a bit of a directional quandary – our Charli-bird left this morning from being here all summer, and I already miss that kiddo (Mia, you’re life is so, so, so blessed because you get her every day, her every smile, her every frown when she doesn’t understand something and looks at you like you’re crazy then cocks her eyes up to the side…. 🙂

Anywho, more detail on my ICU days and subsequent thoughts that went through my head during the many hours I was alone, even with people visiting a lot during the first month.  There always comes time when it is just you, your thoughts, and this dimly lit room with the door shut and alarms going off everywhere from other rooms and sometimes your own room.  Over the 52 days, I had several “wall-mates” ….all much older than I…who were very vocal, some with family, some without and just confused….it breaks your heart.  Or maybe I’m just crazy that I was more concerned with them than my own well-being…. ask my nurses…I generally buzzed my nurses button for wondering about their well-being than my own.

And I don’t say that to pat myself on the back, I honestly believe anyone in my situation would have done exactly the same…if I’m wrong, don’t tell me…I’m still among the dwindling few that believes in humanities innate goodness…I’d rather live in my idealistic philosophical world where deep down when push comes to shove we all truly love each other. 

        I can truly say I have never felt so alone in those times, even as a believer in God (a higher power if you will).  Sometimes God, or whomever you believe in, lets you grin and bear it.  Or I could go on from Becky’s (on facebooks) request regarding my near death experiences which happened as I said 3 times…. the good, the bad, the endless hallucinations of mom sitting in my room with me, and the equally endless times when I could have sworn she was right there but then blinked and she was gone and I was alone and my heart sunk with reality she never was or ever really physically be there.  Imagining how much mom would have been there for me every hour, even though she would be furious at me for getting in this predicament (she would have been so angry, but wouldn’t have missed a beat for being there for every moment)…she never would have left my side.  And I’d like to think even where she is now, she never did and still hasn’t.

       Or keep expounding on the good fleeting amazing moments that I still find, even in last week’s hospital stay with the world’s most amazing and courageous nurse named Gwen, who I will tell you later of, but has endured stage 4 breast cancer and a mastectomy that has somehow metastasized/or affected without possible repair to her heart but refuses to not come into work when she is able to help other.  Spoiler alert – she’s still planning a trip to Paris that she’s never been able to do but hopefully if she’s healthy this year enough seh’s going for it.  All that to say, everyone on the transplant floors (4 and 10 and Dunn Tower) are so so amazing and unlike anything short of angelic.  So I went to where I generally go when my thoughts run stale and spaghetti bowl ish….to the almighty quote generator online.

   Lol, don’t, laugh, I guarantee a good amount of writers when at cross roads, kick on their “writing play list” and start googling for inspiration…which is nothing to be ashamed of for 2 reasons in my opinion.  1.  There are so many more eloquent and life changing writers than ourselves already out there just ready for us to lean on their proverbial tree, gather some shade and collect our thoughts and ultimately know which direction to choose.  And 2.  Writing isn’t exactly a new art…neither is the art of suffering.  Many of us have done both with more grace than any of one could ever muster and in the end we just hope that someone reads our story and understands the madness, grace and utter humility that can be found in it. 

“And men said that the blood of the stars flowed in her veins”

― C.S. Lewis

“My own plans are made. While I can, I sail east in the Dawn Treader. When she fails me, I paddle east in my coracle. When she sinks, I shall swim east with my four paws. And when I can swim no longer, if I have not reached Aslan’s country, or shot over the edge of the world into some vast cataract, I shall sink with my nose to the sunrise.”

― C.S. LewisThe Voyage of the Dawn Treader

To put it another way, pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world. Why must it be pain? Why can’t he rouse us more gently, with violins or laughter? Because the dream from which we must be wakened, is the dream that all is well.”

― William NicholsonShadowlands

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.”

― C.S. LewisThe Four Loves

 

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