So a little background on the WHY I blew up like a yellow highlighter ….
I used to indulge in adult beverages a lot…I mean alot alot. And now with my shiny new liver I can’t anymore..
Which is fine, but at the same time feels like a cosmic rip off…Most people partake in adult beverages to buffer reality, either in a personal therapy way or in a social awkwardness buffer because they don’t know how to “person”…
Dealing with the aftermath of a liver transplant, which a doctor on my transplant team compares the experience as having PTSD, is a little rocky to navigate without any “help”. They give us transplantees anti-depressants and medicine to help us sleep, but in our anti-opiate and benzo world that is pretty much it. So we get the joy of navigating coming back to life (literally), while adjusting to 20-30 different medicines that keep us alive and our transplant psychiatrist fiddling with trying to find the right dose and type of psych meds that keep us off the proverbial ledge.
And heaven forbid a transplantee mentioning this to anyone for several reasons….1. most transplant doctors are heavy anti-alcohol/addict people, who threaten to not transplant you or re-transplant you if you partake again (most of us are looking at a re-transplant in 5 years when the new liver wears out) 2. The guilt your loved ones and friends add on to your already mile high pile of shit and grief because they think you are selfish to want an escape or need an escape, becs we are expected to be bouncing off the walls feeling #blessed that we had a second chance on life, but that second chance came at the cost of someone else’s life.
I’ll let ya’ll in on a little secret…that’s not how it works.
When you feel bored, google “survivors guilt”….it’s a bitch, it’s real and you’ll be hard pressed to find anyone that understands it unless they’ve been through it.
So all that to say, I guess the moral of the story is this process has so many layers it puts an onion to shame. And I’ll end this post with two quotes I found online from no one in particular…
1. Telling someone with a broken heart to “get over it”, “quit living in the past” or “snap out of it” is like telling a blind person to “just look harder”
and this one relates to my first post from yesterday…
2. I say “I’m fine, thanks” because I simply cannot describe the pain